For some time now, issues and topics that are concerned with letting go have been popping up around me. To let go—that sounds like passivity, like letting something happen to you. But that’s not what I’m experiencing.
The longer I think about it, the more I realise how many different areas of my life are concerned with the topic of letting go. When it first came up—it ended up literally on my table, as I use cards for divination—I did not immediately recognise it for what it was. I was too caught up in my (misguided) conception of passivity. But letting go has many faces.
To state it clearly up front: I’m talking about personal experience, and about lessons Loki is teaching me. There is some possibility that the tone that is used might make a few people uncomfortable. All I’m asking, if that is the case, is that you try and abstract from that “how” to the “what”. I would also like to mention that the things that I record here as words were never communicated that way. Loki speaks to me in concepts and emotional resonance (among others), and the words I write here are, to the best of my knowledge and ability, the closest match.
Speak, and conceal nothing.
It started when, after an evening with friends and wine, I was on my way home. It was late at night and I was walking home across the town as usual. I wasn’t sober, but I wasn’t drunk, either. I was in that state that makes everything seem just a tad more immediate and easy. For some reason, I thought about an issue that is giving me some measure of struggle regarding my connection to Loki. And I started talking to Him. It was the middle of the night, no one was out who could have heard me; so there I was, slap-bang in public, walking on my own and muttering English words to “myself”. [Whether I speak German or English with Loki depends purely on what language I’m thinking in at the time].
I told Him what I’m afraid of; that’s a complicated issue, interwoven with all manner of things—one might say that there’s a Loki in my life—but it’s nothing that I haven’t done several times already. The one, quite exceptional thing that I did was that I stated a personal boundary towards Him. I told Him about something specific, that I would not be able to give Him that, and that I did not know how I would react if He demanded it of me. You might think, what the heck is so special about that… but believe me, for me it is an absolute anomaly to issue such ultimata to Loki—to LOKI. [To be precise: I can issue a lot of things, really, but what does it actually mean? Does it mean what is usually understood by “ultimatum”? No… but that’s a different topic, and one that I don’t want to write about yet.]
It was a long conversation (well, monologue, really), and I could feel Him listen. He didn’t answer directly or anything like that, but I just had that distinct gut feeling that His attention was on me. (Does anyone know what I’m talking about? It’s a bit like being on a stage and knowing the audience is looking at you, to the last person). When I came home that night and completed my day at His altar, I felt a bit empty and a bit lighter.
And the very next day, during divination, He demanded: “Speak to me, and don’t conceal anything. Be honest, and face Me and your situation.”
Hadn’t I done that the day before already? Yes, but not consciously, not without the aid of some Dutch courage, not on demand by Himself. Not in a reflected manner. Loki doesn’t repeat Himself, doesn’t say the same thing twice, doesn’t want the same thing twice. This demand took it one step further, took thoughts and emotions that I hadn’t been aware of the last day down into manifestation. And Loki added: “Know your boundaries; state them, even though you fear abandonment. Show Me your strength.”
He forced me to revisit those liminal areas, to explore them with a clear head and an intellectual approach. It was a challenge, although most people who know me would find that hard to believe. Stating boundaries, saying, “up to here but no further”? No problem, I’ve done that often enough. But with Him, with the God I belong to… this wasn’t about “up to here and no further”. It was about “why this?”, it was about “what is this really about?” and it was about “tell Me what is going on inside your mind”. That, and nothing else. It is not about what He may or may not do (to me). This is about ruthless honesty, nothing less. Speak, and conceal nothing. Your fears, hopes and expectations are Mine so completely, you might as well let go of them altogether.
(The according cards were: Page of Swords, 7 of Wands, the Fool… for those of you interested in such details)
Act, don’t wait for things to happen
Not long after that, I talked about channelling and its various degrees with a friend, and at roughly the same time there were certain events in my professional life that made me listen up. And I realised that my inability to truly pursue a goal in either field is due to a very simple reason: as long as nothing happens, nothing happens.
As long as I don’t act I (ostensibly) won’t have to face the realisation that an era is over and I need to venture further, find new ways to go. With regard to my professional career, that means the completion of my dissertation. Spiritually, of course it’s more complicated than that, but the same principle holds: as long as I don’t act, I don’t have to face the possibility (not the fact, just the mere possibility!) that I might not be able to channel, or might not like or want to do it, or even, perhaps, that I can do it, and what that might mean.
Loki said to me, “if you follow your plan, things are going to start changing.”
He did not say, “do this and everything is gonna work according to plan”. And I realised that that was completely beside the point. The point is, that I know both my material and my spiritual situation; I know the respective highs and lows; they feel familiar, although I’m not always very happy with them. I’m in the middle of my comfort zone, that may or may not be particularly comfortable in some aspects. I understood that I’m not running in circles to do something, but to not do something.
“Not to have to let go”, He provided for me.
To not find myself in a situation where I seek an even deeper, more terrifying, an even more wonderful connection with Him. And where I find it. I am my own obstacle, and while I might think and ruminate a lot about how it would be to reach for the stars, I am also the one person preventing it from happening. As simple and logical as it sounds now, the fact of the matter is that Loki had to give me that revelation; without Him I would not have seen it. All the words I’m writing here, too, do not fully reflect what He showed me. It was a token of His favour, and it felt like He Himself does: sharp, penetrating, acute. It isn’t comforting, isn’t meant to be comforting. But it was an act of grace, if we want to use these words: “Do something, don’t wait. Only then, things are going to change; to let go is to act.”
(Cards were: Knight of Cups, 4 of Pentacles, 4 of Wands, King of Wands, 8 of Pentacles… there’s a couple of individual card meanings at play here, so it’s all rather well-encrypted)
Do not claim what is Mine to claim
Perhaps the most difficult, and the least specific aspect of my current work with Loki is this: self-interest, sacrifice, surrender. I seek Him in my daily life, and sometimes I realise I’m not as aware of Him as I could be. I realise that I don’t feel Him as much as I could do, even when dealing with topics I am fully aware that they fall into one of His domains. The trigger in this case was that a couple of days ago, I forgot to do something in the morning even though I knew it was His wish. And I didn’t realise until late afternoon that I had forgotten. Meh.
I spoke about it with Loki and He said, “you are limiting yourself by bounding Me”.
This is a process that cannot be completed in a matter of moments, days, weeks, even months. But as long as I claim His property as my own, I will have to learn to overcome those limitations, again and again. I will have to learn, over and over, to forego reservation, and to not preface each of my “yes”s with a disclaimer. Someday, I will be strong enough for true surrender, true devotion. But I have time for this.
“Learn to let go, […]. Become more than you; lean onto me as I fill you.”
(cards: 4 of Pentacles, Page of Swords, the Hanged Man. As you can see, it gets personal here; the ellipsis is a placeholder for a personal address that I do not want/am not allowed to use here.)