At Loki’s Hands, Pt 2: Weaving the Net
In the first part of the series, I drew and wrote about the first few months that followed my being shoved down the rabbit hole—and how scared I was at first. It came to a point where I didn’t know what to do and had effectively paralysed myself. I had no capacity to really hear Loki directly worth mentioning yet, and part of the reason for that was that, on some level, I was afraid what He might say to me.
And part of the reason for that was that I already knew, on some level, what it was going to be.
When it had gone so far that I wasn’t even able to read my own cards anymore, Loki put an end to it. He made Himself known while I was practicing meditation.
He came to me and asked me, “do you think, between you and Me, you are the only one capable of feeling fear?”
I did not understand. Oh, of course I had read in some blog or other—I was reading a lot at the time—that these are Gods with flaws, imperfections, with limitations. I am sure that someone, at some point even mentioned fear in particular. I knew, but I didn’t understand, not where it mattered most.
So, Loki showed me.
He took me and showed me an image of Himself in His four-doored house, alone, struggling to continue making His Net. For a moment, my mind went completely blank. Then, after that initial blankness, I was flooded with information. I suddenly just knew it wasn’t His loss, the grief, or the pain that caused His fear. It wasn’t even that of His loved ones. No, it was the certainty of madness, the absolute knowledge that He would lose everything, all that He was-is-will-be.
And I suddenly just knew that He knew exactly what was going to happen, and that He was giving Them the means to His capture. I don’t know how I could have thought that He would first figure out how to catch fish, then accidentally get caught doing so, and then turn Himself into one unthinkingly. Hasn’t it ever struck you as odd that He Who had been a fly, a horse, a flea, would turn into the one shape that was practically certain to get Him caught? No way. He knew. With every knot He made, He knew what He was doing. When He turned into a salmon, He knew what He was doing. He knew what They would find in the ashes in His house, and the conclusions They would draw. And what It would mean. For Him. Eventually.
And He still did it, all of it, over and over.
Needless to say, the state I found myself in was something I could not describe then, and hadn’t known before. I was in utter awe of Him; something big had just happened, and I didn’t know what it was. Today, I still can’t comprehend the fact that He chose to show me (me…!!) that. That day, He also showed me something else, something He wants me to do for Him.
Oh, I know, They show us whatever we need to see, and that Loki specifically is good at letting you draw your conclusions as you will, and see what happens. Not to mention that They always have an agenda. But this? It just seemed one or two hundred sizes too large to fit the occasion.
But I finally took a heart and asked the question I needed answered. Not Him, not myself, not anyone I knew really. I asked a diviner, a servant of Apollon. And the answer that she came back with was one that, at the time, confirmed my worst fears.
And then, after a suitably long initial shock period of a grand total of no less than 60 minutes (I still have no idea how I got over it that fast!), two things happened.
The first: my knowledge, deep down, that the answer I had been given, was true.
The second: my realisation that I was happy.
So, today I give you the second part of the series, titled “Weaving the Net”, the incident that became the namesake for this blog, and the focal point of my adoration for Him in the time after I got tapped.
Hail Loki, Familiar of fear and joy alike!
About the drawing: pencil and coloured pencils, photo reference used.
Part 3 of the series is here.