This post is probably not going to be as long as usual. Things recently have been stressful, to say the least. As you may know, I’m currently writing my dissertation, and I have a couple of hard deadlines coming up—basically: the usual in such circumstances.
The past weeks have been… not uneventful, per se. But having arrived, religiously and spiritually, at the point where I arrived in the beginning of July this year, things have been rather calm and collected where Loki is concerned. It makes me smile a little bit, since those two are not usually words you’d associate with either Himself or His worshippers. Essentially, though, it’s been calm.
I have been given lessons to learn, subjects to contemplate, topics to explore intellectually. I have started to construct a set of rules that will help me meet His expectations of me (so far as I’m aware what they are). He has set me tasks to perform, to be incorporated into my devotional life regularly. So, no, I haven’t been inactive at all! But it has been calm. There were no major upheavals, no drama, no absolutely horrible things that left me crying for hours.
If you will indulge me for a moment and endure a horrible dog simile, I feel like the leash has been taken off, or loosened considerably, and I’m just frolicking around on a meadow, playing with butterflies and sticks. Metaphysical, spiritual butterflies and sticks, but still, you know. Butterflies and sticks.
After the work He and I did together during the past year, this feels… at loose ends. At some point not too long ago, I became impatient with the situation. With not knowing what is expected, most of all. You see, I know certain things… I know that there is something coming up, but I have no time frame other than what I can guess from circumstantial evidence. I know some of the more practical aspects of what I need to be doing, but not the specific purpose I need to be doing those things for. (*ends sentence with a preposition and an emphasis, as well as an emote for the most effective result in the bad style category*)
So I got pain-in-the-arse-y and started asking Loki about it. And all He ever said in response was that I needed to wait. Not now. I got frustrated with “not now”, and insecure. Why does everybody else seem to know exactly what and why and what for? Why not me? Am I doing things wrong?
All that particular line of questioning got me was a reiteration of the things I need to be doing, including to “wait“.
And yesterday, I finally got a taste of why I need to wait. A problem came up regarding the practical section of my dissertation project, i.e., there was unexpected behaviour in the program. The thing was: I knew it wasn’t a bug because I’d fixed a bug, and the bugfixing resulted in said unexpected behaviour. There was, in other words, a conceptional error.
It killed my entire day. The problem is, with the deadlines being as densely stacked one after another, I cannot afford conceptional errors. And although I found the solution to this one late yesterday night, it got me in a mental state where I disconnected myself so to speak.
At some point, I suddenly became aware that I was completely cut off and blocked; and I hate that feeling. Very early on in my relationship with Him, it was something that happened from time to time… and I guess I had become used to it not happening anymore, at least not without reason. But there I was, feeling cold and sick (literally, I could not eat—it’s my default reaction to stress). And on top of that, there was a feeling of wrongness.
Everything regarding my devotional relationship with Loki suddenly was called into question, felt wrong, hollow, ridiculous, because I had disconnected myself over the work related stress. I guess I got lucky in that I found the solution to the work problem relatively quickly after all (or, I probably did… the experiments are still in progress).
But I know this situation could repeat itself any number of times, at any time. Loki isn’t stopping me to rile me or teach me a lesson about patience. He’s letting me have a shot at wrapping up my deal job-wise. All He said when I finally came to Him that night was, “do you understand now?”
I thanked Him. And I might have cried a little, but that’s because I’m such a sap.